Preventing rape

Had written this on Jan 15. Posting it on the internet, hoping it makes a difference in this world; even a tiny one would do. Change, one at a time.

Nobody should have to defend themselves. Physically, that is.

In an ideal world one wouldn't need to know self defence or have any form of second amendment (nor would it matter if they did!). But we do not live in an ideal world. There are many depraved, debauched elements in this society who thrive on harming and attacking other beings. And we need to be prepared for the worst.

Therefore, theoretically I am not against self defence for women to protect themselves against violence of any kind, sexual or otherwise. I would probably argue that men also need to know self defence as they are too vulnerable to attack. But of course, women are the 'softest', 'easiest', and some would go as much to say, the 'preferred' target of these perpetrators of violence.

What I vehemently object to is being schooled on how to 'prevent rape'. I am sorry, but this is not a case of 'prevention is better than cure'. Let us get it out in the open - rape, rather attack, is unpreventable - by the victim, that is. The victim of rape or any form of sexual harassment and act of dominance or subjugation is not the cause of that act in any twisted which way.

Most rapes are committed by someone who is known to the victim. They could be a family member, a colleague, a friend. Worse still, there is a strong chance that most rapes are custodial, especially since a vast majority of custodial rapes go unreported. What provokes these people, known to the victim, trusted by them, to rape? What makes a father rape his six year old? What makes a husband feel that his wife owes him sex by virtue of being married to him? What makes a friend think that forcing himself on a woman is an act of machismo, all part of wooing her?

And the random acts of rape or sexual assault committed by unknown men, by strangers? It is a choice. It is a premeditated act of violence. It is a crime and there is no excuse for it. It is an act of subjugation, of dominance, of power. It is not a sexual act. Apportioning blame on the victim is a horrible attempt at rationalising this abominable act, and perhaps society's way of maintaining its patriarchal structures. 

When I am lectured by self appointed well-wishers on how to conduct myself so as to avoid rape, I want to scream out in despair. The bottom-line is women wearing burqas and escorted by a male also get raped! Is such a women's rape a greater crime than if someone wearing a miniskirt were to get raped? Or do we think that by caging or taming women, by telling them how to dress, and when to step out of their houses, where to work and whom and how to talk to we will solve this problem? NO.

All we are doing is furthering rape myths. Despicable rape myths. 

"She was raped because she was dressed this way."

"She was raped because she is characterless."

"She provoked him."

"She was drunk."

"She was out on the streets, alone."

"She smokes. What kind of impression does that leave? Of course, he thought she was easy."

She asked for it.

You shouldn't dress this way.

You should have a good character. (whatever the hell that means)

You shouldn't provoke men.

You shouldn't drink.

You shouldn't go out alone.

You shouldn't smoke. At least in front of men.

You shouldn't ask for it.

I am disgusted to be part of society that talks in terms of what qualifies as invitation to rape! There is no such thing as invitation to rape. A married woman, a sex worker, a baby girl - no one should get raped. And the onus on not raping lies on the bloody rapist!

I do not wish to listen to arguments about pragmatism and being realistic. I have been sexually harassed when fully clothed. I have been on the receiving end of misogyny from people I knew and trusted. I refuse to feel apologetic about the way I dress. I don't owe it to society and especially to the men who have set out to be the 'protectors of my honour' to dress a certain way. It is nobody's bloody business to tell me how I should dress so as to 'prevent myself from getting raped and disturbing everyone else's peace'.

A woman's clothes or conduct makes no difference whatsoever to these rapists. What does make a difference is what they think will get classified as 'invitation to rape' and hence make their transgression look more acceptable, or expected, or even normal. They look for signs that will later help rationalise rape or sexual assault as all these rape myths (with the best of bloody intentions) bit by bit, take the onus away from the rapists and transfer them to the victims. These rapists want everyone to believe that they can't control actions and are utterly provocable. Utter nonsense, this 'boys will be boys' argument. The oldest trick in the book for preserving patriarchy.

This very thing also feeds into the whole stigma around rape or sexual harassment. You invited rape. Your modesty was violated. You were dishonoured. Your life is effectively over. 

Why should my life end if I were to get raped? How is it any different from being beaten up black and blue? What is the 'shame' in being raped or assaulted or molested or abused or even mocked because you are a woman? The shame is in the committing of these acts. And I am sick of words like 'honour' and 'modesty' while dignity of human (or for that matter any) life has been forgotten.This bunkum about modesty and honour is nothing but patriarchal tripe.

One should perhaps learn to defend oneself. But do not waste your time in pontificating on how the victims should or could prevent it. Don't cage the civilised while the animals roam free and wild. The onus of preventing violent crime lies on the society, on the law makers and police. It does not lie on the victims. The way to prevent crime against women is to create a society where they are not subjugated. A society that does not try to justify (and uphold) patriarchy and misogyny. A society where women reclaim the streets, where they can dress the way they want unapologetically; where women are truly free.  The way to prevent rape is to create a society where someone would think a million times before committing it because they know that their act will not be justified or rationalised. The way to prevent rape is to stop giving excuses for it!